April 2010

Apr

28

Erotic Recovery After Infidelity

For those of you who read my newsletters, follow my blog, or have heard me speak or been in a workshop of session with me, you know that I believe in the power of erotic connection.  I believe its more than just sex – that erotic language in a relationship is everything.  Having an erotic and passionate life means you feel alive – and if you can have that with a partner that you love, there is no greater joy.

But what happens when the love is challenged?  What happens when an affair or porn abuse or addiction compromises the best relationship and one or both of you cant get past it. 

Sometimes breaking up is the only option.

But if you are like a lot of couples these days you might not want to trade in your partner for another model.  Maybe you still love each other, and suspect there might be a way to get past an affair. 

Moving on from infidelity means not only learning what happened to each of you during this time but finding out what happened to the relationship and deciding on a new relationship vision going forward.

And that new relationship vision is not about forgiveness.  We all know “Im sorry” only goes skin deep.

A new relationship means finding a new erotic and emotional connection with each other. 

Can it happen?

find out more – contact me Dr Tammy Nelson, and watch for my next book.

tammy@tammynelson.org

 

Apr

27

Couples Therapy Can Hurt Your Sex Life

Yes, you heard it here.  From the couple’s therapist herself.  But its true.  Most couples therapy focuses on dealing with the day to day conflicts of the companionship aspect of every day life.  This creates safety and decreases conflict – which is what you want – but may do nothing for your erotic life.

Erotic connection does not demand a conflict free relationship.  The exact opposite may be true.  You can still have conflict and still work on your sex life.  Working on the day to day frustrations may distract you from the real thing that may bring you together, your intimacy.

For more info, email me through www.drtammynelson.com

 

Apr

26

Monogamy? Can it work?

How many people cheat? In 2002 studies revealed that  50-60% of married men and 45-55% of married women engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship.  That means about half of all men and women will have an affair at some point –

 Why do so many people cheat?  For several reasons – both developmental and cultural reasons but it doesnt always have to mean the end of the marriage.

 Why do people stay?  Sometimes an affair is a wake up call in the marriage.  It can shake the very foundations of a relationship, and many times that may be what it takes for a couple to pay attention and start working on their marriage or partnership.

 Why would a woman stay with a husband who has cheated?  Just because someone betrays you doesn’t mean you stop loving them.  Couples can move past forgiveness to a “new monogamy” and begin a whole new – sometimes more rewarding - relationship.

 How does Hollywood mirror our everyday relationships, or does it?  Hollywood couples are under a microscope, the pressure of constant scrutiny makes their behavior seem different than the rest of us.  But is it?  Or are they just acting out in the same ways the rest of us do?  If you had paparazzi following you around,  what would you get caught doing?

 Why do high profile sports figures and politicians get caught? 
Every day we see another high profile person in the news getting caught having an affair, and we all seem so shocked (and relieved it isn’t us).   Is there a particular pressure that real success and stardom brings that leads to infidelity?

When someone leaves their partner for their lover, does it work out?

75% of those who marry the lovers they leave their partners get divorced.  Reality hits, and the guilt makes it hard to stay.  Plus they never really trust the lover that they cheated with.

 Is monogamy natural to us as humans?

Studies show that humans have to choose to make a commitment to their spouse.  Monogamy is better for us as parents, it makes us more creative and helps us physically.  But we’re not hardwired for it.  Monogamy is a choice we make every day.  Or not. 

 

For more info on how to stay together after an affair – email me

Dr Tammy Nelson

tammy@tammynelson.org

 

 

Apr

20

Can your Relationship Survive an Affair?

When I posted this question to my fanpage on Facebook (look for me at “Getting the Sex You Want”) -

One fan commented, 
“No! Once they have done it, they will always do it.” 
Many people agree that once a cheater, always a cheater.  But does infidelity always define a personality type?
Sometimes infidelity in a marriage or supposedly monogamous relationship is a symptom of a personality flaw, or the inability to commit, or a deeper issue in the relationship.  Other times it may be truly a one time act.  and it doesnt have to change the committed nature of the primary partnership.
Another comment from a fan said,
“I think some can [survive an affair]. My partner had an affair, we are now engaged and doin well. Honestly think that it depends on the people, how much they are willin to sort it out and how much effort is put into it. Also depends on who it was with and if they are in the same town.”
I agree.  Surviving an affair is more than just ignoring it, or hoping the other person forgives you.  It means learning what the motive was behind the infidelity, and how it applies to your relationship.  Was it a way to get a need met that wasnt being met inside the relationship?  Or was it a developmental stage that had to happen before someone could commit to a deeper level of monogamy?
Sometimes couples agree that seeing outside sexual partners is ok.  Monogamy can mean different things to different people.
Whats the most important part of monogamy to you? Honesty, sexual fidelity, or emotional commitment?
Let me know what you’re thinking – Join my fanpage today -
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Getting-the-Sex-You-Want/70524292128
Or write to me here at tammy@tammynelson.org
Stay passionate,
Dr Tammy Nelson
Apr

16

Couples and Sex

For most couples sex is development.  Not elemental, my dear Watson, but developmental. 

Early in a relationship, sex feels like everything.  It makes or breaks the decision to stay or go.  It sucks you in or spits you out (so to speak).  It helps you connect to a partner in ways that move you beyond and deeper into emotional attachment.  And it can bind the commitment that leads to long term marriage or partnership.

Later in a relationship it becomes the glue that keeps the wheels turning.  It expresses love, frustration, score keeping, apologies, forgiveness.  Sex can be rewarding or frustrating, fullfill all of your fantasies, or be your own secret disappointment.  You can fake it till you make it, or you can keep faking it and hope your partner never finds out.

But eventually sex will either dry up (so to speak) or stay juicy.  Staying juicy has nothing to do with bodily fluids or lubrication.  Juicy sex is spicy, passionate and has everything to do with communication.  And by communication I mean the kind that happens after the kids go to bed, or move out, or when no one else is around but you and your lover.  Communication that happens when you whisper in your partners ear, when you cry in their arms, when you crawl into bed and slide into that space that no one else holds for you but them…thats the communication that sexual intimacy creates.

And the developmental stages of a relationship can go from flaming hot, to steamy, to juicy, to tender, to intimate, to fragile, to distant, to affectionate and back again – hundreds of times. 

Trust in the phases of your sex life.  Know that all relationships go through stages and that sex is developmental just like all growth stages in life.  Talk to your partner about where you are at, and what you long for. 

Maybe its time for some new growth.

 

For more info:  Come see Dr Tammy Nelson LIVE -

Couples Therapy and Sexuality: Public Lecture Friday April 23 and Training for Therapists Saturday April 24, 20109 a.m. – 5 p.m. in ATLANTA GEORGIA

Public Lecture $20 Saturday Workshop: $90 Register for both: $100
For more information and to register go to: http://pineriverpsychotherapy.com/training.html
or contact agweiss@comcast.net

Apr

06

The Spring Wakes Up the Squirrels in the Attic – and not just Metaphorically

It’s April – beautiful Spring days full of new beginnings.  New life.  And new obstacles.  I have new life brewing, in my attic.  Baby squirrels apparently.  Birthed by the community that has ripped their way through the siding into my house and taken refuge there.  They refuse to leave, deciding they like it there as much as the humans do. Sometimes life is a pain. 

 

What gives you joy about life?  And what do you find annoying and bothersome?  Because Spring is about both.  Thats why this month’s newsletter gives you ideas about how to handle your relationship challenges as well as ways to build your joy. 

 

Feeling squirrely?  Send me an email or add yourself to my newsletter list by going to the newsletter page in this website and find out more about how to take care of yourself and the pains and joys of relationships in your life.

 
Or contact me, Dr Tammy Nelson, for an appointment or an Intensive today. 

And I can now be found on Skype – I am “drtammynelson” on Skype if you want to add me!)