Dr. Tammy Nelson

I taught a class today at a local college.  There were four questions the students had, and the answers I gave them:

 

1.  What exactly does it mean to be addicted to porn?

 

When you use erotic imagery of any kind as a masturbatory tool as a physical or an emotional substitute for sex your partner, or when you hide the fact that you are using pornography from your partner, then you may be at risk of developing a compulsion around pornography.  If porn taking up a significant amount of the free time in your life to the detriment of other things that are more important to you then you may be at risk of becoming dependent on it, or using it as a way to avoid things in your life.

Just because you look at porn or masturbate to it does not make you a porn addict.  But if you are doing it and wish you werent, it could mean you have a problem.  Guilt, shame or regret does not make you a porn addict, most people feel bad after looking a porn.  Porn use can be a symptom of a bigger problem.  Or it can be recreational. 

 

If you are looking at minors or forwarding naked photos of friends around on the internet or on your phone - YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING ILLEGAL. 

 

If you think you are at risk or have a problem, contact a professional. 

 

2.  Is it possible to be a relationship addict?

 

Yes its possible to be addicted to relationships, more likely you are co-dependent and addicted to the drama or chaos that dysfunctional relationships bring.  Many adult children of alcoholics have a compulsion to repeat unsatisfying and unhealthy hook ups, and never find a satifying way to get their own needs met in a relationship.

 

You may find yourself drawn into the caretaking role, or feel like people are always using you.  Find a therapist and work through your stuff.  Its not just about self esteem, but you do need to feel good about yourself for someone else to love you like you deserve to be loved.

 

3.  How hard is it to deal with clients' sexual issues everyday.

 

Its not hard at all.  Its very rewarding to know that I can help people work on the most important aspect of their lives - and increase the passion in their relationships.  Whats better than that?  Besides, its never boring.

 

4.  How do people react to your profession and your field?

 

It makes for great conversations at cocktail parties.  People find it fascinating, and everyone wants to tell me their sexual histories.  Some people assume that because I am a sex therapist I have an amazing rocket booster sex life (its true!) and some people assume that because Im a sex therapist I am judging them (not true!).   People who know I am a couples therapist want me to save their marriage.  They know that they need help - who doesnt? - and they see it as hopeful that someone has the answers.  They also want to know what the "secret" is to a happy relationship.  I always tell them its appreciation. 

 

You always get more of what you appreciate.

 

Dont forget to appreciate your partner every day - even in small ways, even when they are annoying you.  Eventually you will get more of what you like and you will find yourself focusing less on what you dont.

 

Dr Tammy Nelson

email me at tammy@tammynelson.org

 

Looking at porn on the internet does not make you a sex addict.  

However, masturbating to porn on the internet so often that it interferes with your daily life so that you cant function at work or at home, is a problem. 

Replacing human interaction with porn so that it interferes with your relationships, makes it a problem. 

If you have blisters on your hands or genitals and done it anyway, thats a problem. 

If you are hiding it and feel ashamed and hate yourself because you cant stop, thats a problem. If you have wanted to quit and couldnt, its a problem.

Having an affair does not necessarily make you a sex addict. 

It might make you unhappy and threaten your marriage, but it does not qualify as purely pathological. 

If you are having affairs that you cannot control, if you are hiding and lying and feel shame and feel driven to do it even when you have wanted to or promised to stop, that is a problem. 

Compulsive infidelity is a serious issue and can be indicative of a deeper problem, which can be assessed by a professional counselor or therapist.  Its not fun and its not cool, and its painful to everyone involved.

Picking up strangers compulsively for sex does not make you a sex addict, although it can be a symptom.  It can also mean other things. 

For instance it can mean you have an impulse control problem due to drugs or alcohol.  It can mean you might be manic and in a bipolar disordered mood swing.  It can mean that you are self destructive and acting out a suicidal urge.  It can mean that you are questioning your sexual identity and trying to test out your homosexual urges.  It does not mean you are sex addicted, BUT IT CAN. 

Sex addiction looks different to different people. 

From the outside it can look like you are just being selfish, that you cant control your body, that you are narcissistic.  It can also look like you dont care about the people you love.  Although that might be true, many times its not. 

To find out what all of these or other hypersexual behaviors mean in you or in your loved ones, email me for an assessment.  See the simple questionnaire in this blog to get an idea if you have a problem, or contact a licensed professional counselor in your area. 

There is help.

Dr Tammy Nelson

tammy@tammynelson.org

There are a lot of conflicting ideas out there in the press about sex addiction right now.  Is it real?  Does it exist?

If you are addicted to sex or sexual behaviors, you probably dont care what we, the professionals, call it.  If you have a problem with sexual dependency or hyperactive sexuality, it means you have tried to stop acting in a certain way sexually and you cant.

Being a sex addict does NOT just mean that you love sex and cant get enough.  It does NOT just mean that you have a lot of sex and think about it all the time.  It does NOT just mean that you wonder if you might be normal. 

Sex addiction is a process disorder which means you have tried to quit and cant.  You may have tried to stop your behaviors, and regardless of the consequences, found that you couldnt.   People who have sex addiction issues are not enjoying sex.  They are ashamed, hiding their compulsions, and suffering deeply by the time they realize they need help.  

If you are wondering if you have a problem with sex addiction or sexual dependency syndrome, take the easy assessment in the next blog entry, and if you need help, reach out.  Email me or someone in your area who specializes in sex therapy or addiction. 

And know you are not alone, there is help. 

Dr Tammy Nelson

tammy@tammynelson.org

This is a quick assessment that may help you identify if you have a problem with sex addiction or if you need help with sexual dependency syndrome.   

 
Answering yes to any one of these questions identifies a significant risk that should be diagnosed and handled by a professional.

Please email me for more information at tammy@tammynelson.org