Question from a reader:

"I had an affair once.  We were very young and our marriage had just started to tank.  He didnt want to have sex with me because we had just had our son and he said he coudnt see me as a sexual person anymore.  He was in the delivery room with me and I guess he was kind of freaked out.  But I think it was more about him being tired, stressed, and feeling like he was at the bottom of the list of my priorities.  Well, guess what?  I felt left out too.  Here I was a new mom, and he wasnt even touching me.  Then I met 'Bob' and he made me feel sexy and alive again.  Bob and I met for a few months and I got my mojo back.  I felt sexy and young and like someone wanted me.  I didnt leave my husband.  I survived it.  And my husband started looking at me differently.  I would get dressed at night, put makeup on and look at myself in the mirror and think 'I am HOT' no matter what he thinks' and I think he sort of started seeing me that way again.  I think my affair saved my marriage. When my husband started to want to have sex again, I ended it with Bob.  I am still grateful to Bob for what happened with us.  I will be forever.  And I dont think it was wrong, because it enable me to stay married to my husband, who I love.  I will never tell him.  Because he could never forgive me.  But in my heart I know it was forgiveable.  What do you think, Dr Nelson?"

Facing Reality, The New Monogamy

Affairs outside of marriage are nothing new, but this take on monogamy is.

Facing Reality, The New Monogamy

http://www.alternet.org/vision/147468/facing_reality%2C_the_%22new_monogamy%22_is_keeping_relationships_together

Affairs outside of marriage are nothing new, but this take on monogamy is.

My article has been on Alternet.org for several weeks now - so far lots of comments - here and in the Washington Post, and CNN.  Monogamy is a hot topic!

For all of you who are confused about what I am writing about --I am NOT saying that marriage SHOULD change - I am saying that it IS changing....!!!

Read the article in its original at www.psychotherapynetworker.org

or contact me Dr Tammy Nelson with comments - or leave them here.

Question from a reader:

"So how do I avoid cheating on my husband?  I love him, but I'm bored.  And there's this guy at work.  Well, he's not anyone I would leave my husband for. I mean we have kids, a house.  I love my husband, I do.  But this guy at work is hot, and he thinks I am hot too.  He thinks I am more than a mom, and more than just someone who cooks dinner and drives the kids around.  He makes me feel sexy.  Its getting harder and harder to resist."

Dear Reader:

One way to avoid an affair is not to do it.  Many times affairs happen because the opportunity is there to make it happen.  The easier it is, the more we flirt with the idea, the more likely you will "fall" in bed with the guy and then say things like "I dont know how this happened!" 

If you honestly want to avoid infidelity, talk to your husband.  TELL him you are about to cheat.  Tell him you are feeling unsexy, mom-like, and unappreciated.  Tell him that you met someone who makes you feel all these things, and you are scared.  Its better to have that talk now, before you sleep together, then after you sleep together. 

If at that time you both decide that you should go ahead, sleep with him, then you might be able to  survive it.  you might decide as a couple to open your marriage to outside sexual partners.  Or once you decide together to have an open marriage, you might find yourself changing your mind, and decide NOT to do it.  You might be so excited by your husband's open mind that its not longer necessary to act it out.  On the other hand, that idea of openness might be so upsetting that you need to have another talk about the state of your monogamy. 

OR you both may decide that the monogamy agreement between you is clear for both of you.  NO outside partners, no matter what.  And that may make sense to both of you.  And you might want to put all of your energies into the relationship for a finite period of time.  Find a therapist.  Set up a sex date, once a week - where you focus all of your attention on each other.  Go on dates without the kids.  Go away for a weekend.  See what happens.

And re-evaluate.  Check in with each other.  How are we doing now??  You can never ask that question too ofen - it can be a sign that you are feeling insecure about things or that you simply need reassurance.

If you really want to avoid sex with someone besides your partner, you need something else to focus on, and something else in your life that will help you feel good about yourself.  Find a way to grow as an individual.  Join a gym, take a class, get a hobby.  Sounds cliche, but you need to work on your own developmental growth, emotionally, intellectually, psychologically, and sexuallly.

Good luck working with this tough issue, and write more to let us know how its going, at tammy@tammynelson.org

Warmly,

Dr Tammy Nelson

The New Monogamy

by Tammy Nelson

How Far Should We Go?

If there's anything fundamental to the meaning of marriage in Western society, it's monogamy. In fact, monogamy may be the only thing that remains essential to most people's idea of marriage. People no longer marry for economic, dynastic, or procreative reasons, as they did for millennia; they can't be compelled to marry by law, religion, or custom; they don't need to marry to have sex or cohabit or even produce and raise children. But throughout all of this staggering change, the requirement and expectation of monogamy as the emotional glue that keeps the whole structure of marriage from collapsing under its own weight has remained constant.

Given the almost universal public denunciation and disapproval of infidelity (which doesn't exclude the barely hidden schadenfreude at the deliciously scandalous goings-on of celebrities, famous preachers, major political figures, sports heroes, or even your office coworker caught in flagrante), you'd think that infidelity must be quite rare. At least nice people don't do it—we wouldn't do it.

Except that we would and we do—much more than most people seem to realize. As a culture committed, in theory, to monogamy, our actions tell a different story. It isn't just that, as therapists, we need to understand that infidelity happens—we all know that already. What some of us may not realize is how often it happens. Research varies, but according to some surveys, such as those reported by Joan Atwood and Limor Schwartz in the 2002 Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 55 percent of married women and 65 percent of married men report being unfaithful at some point in their marriage. Up to one-half of married women have at least one lover after they're married and before the age of 40.

To read more of this article, go to Psychotherapy Networker -

http://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/currentissue/926-the-new-monogamy

or write directly to me, Dr Tammy Nelson at tammy@tammynelson.org