Need a good laugh?

Kendra Cunningham is one of my favorite stand up comics, local, if you're here in NYC.  Catch her act or sign up for her blog. This month, a quote from her newsletter to give you a chuckle:

"That’s one reason I could never be a vegetarian. Vegetables don’t make me feel anything. Especially not full. You never see a vegetarian push themselves away from the table, unbutton their pants and say “Christ I can’t believe I just ate that. Spinach, lentils, AND kale? I’m such a pig.”

Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.

To follow Kendra, or read her blog, go to:

www.kendracunningham.com or www.blondelogicblog.com

Happy Saturday,

Dr. Tammy

Date Nights: They Make Your Marriage Work

Read my full article at the Huffington Post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tammy-nelson-phd/date-nights-they-make-you_b_1264207.html

A recent report from the National Marriage Project, "Date Night Opportunity," found that couples who spend time together at least once a week were 3.5 times happier in bed. Time invested in being alone -- together, without the kids or the chores -- meant that couples were happier in their marriages.

So we know regular date nights are important for marriages. Making your partnership a priority can be difficult when you have children, careers and a busy lifestyle. But dates don't have to be complicated; in fact, some of my suggestions for dates may surprise you.

My number one suggestion for a date night, and something I suggest for all couples, is to have a Sex Date once a week. This is a night that you choose that is the same night (or day) every week. Regardless of your schedules, your obligations or whether you "feel" like it that night, setting up a date for sex does several things: It creates "erotic anticipation." You will both start to look forward to your Sex Date and almost unconsciously start to plan for it. You may shave your legs; buy new lingerie or new massage oil before the big day. A regular time for sex means you also reduce the stress from the rest of the week. Many couples wonder if they will have time for sex during the week or if they will be too tired, or if their partner will want it. Many times men won't approach their wives if they're worried they'll be rejected. And sometimes women want to have sex but by the end of the day they just want to get that much needed rest instead. A regular Sex Date creates a sacred time that you both carve out of your schedule to meet once a week and make it special. Whether you are tired, cranky or in the mood, when that night comes you put on some music, light the candles and meet for your date. Is it spontaneous? You can be as spontaneous as you want if you plan it! On Sex Date night you can try all those things you have been fantasizing about or you can just lie naked in each others' arms. The important thing about having a Sex Date once a week is that it is time for the two of you to remember that you are more than just roommates.

Another great date that doesn't cost a lot is a Nature date. Take turns choosing where to go and find a place outside that interests you. You may have to take these dates during the day, on weekends, or on a lunch break during the week. But find an outdoor location that you have always wanted to explore. It might be a park in the center of the city for a leisurely stroll or ice skating on a neighborhood pond. You might be great athletic types and need something more challenging; a hike up a mountain or a mountain biking trail. Being outdoors has a way of refreshing your relationship. Nature absorbs intense emotions and lets us see clearly. When you have difficult or intense things to talk about, a Nature date is always the best choice.

Another date that all couples should integrate into their "great date" plans is to take a "Creative Date." That might mean for some couples going to a museum or browsing an art show. Check local listings for new artists that may have smaller shows of more contemporary work. Many couples discover they have similar tastes and even make purchases together on Creative Date outings. Or a Creative Date can be going to a Ceramic Paint Your Own store, where you paint a shared piggy bank or a set of dishes for your dining room. You might walk through an art supply store and get inspired to buy paints and share a new hobby. Talk about what a creative date would mean for you. One idea might be to take a camera and go out with one purpose; to take great candid shots of each other. Make the goal of the date to come home with at least one great photo of each other and maybe one of the two of you. It's a creative way to have fun together and get the creative juices flowing.

There are low energy dates and high energy dates. One idea for a date is to decide beforehand; which kind of date do we want tonight? This is important to meet both of your expectations. If you are looking forward to going out dancing and your partner is thinking about a candlelight dinner, one of you will be sure to feel disappointed. Decide what feels high energy to each of you; roller skating, kick boxing, a square dance class? And then come up with some low energy dates that you agree might be fun; a movie, window shopping, strolling through the zoo. Then before you go out decide together if you are into a low energy or high energy date night. Both can be important to keep things fresh and rejuvenating. Deciding before the date which you are in the mood for can help both of you to be sure that your expectations will be met and you might even find something new to interest you both.

Last, but definitely not least, is the "Date Jar." When you don't feel like just going to dinner and a movie and you can't decide what to do, you use the raffle system that I call the "Date Jar." A Date Jar is something you both make in advance. Take some time to write down suggestions for some fun, silly, or serious date nights on scraps of paper, fold them up and put them in a jar or box. On nights when you want to throw caution to the wind and take a risk, before you head out, one of you gets to pick from the Date jar. You are both obligated to do whatever the suggestion is for that date night. The beauty of this idea is that you might not feel like "Karaoke' or "Playing Pool" that particular evening, but the rule is there are NO throwbacks. If you honor your "Date jar" system, you both will go along with the suggestion and do it anyway. Most couples find that once they are on the move and in the moment they have a great time doing whatever the Date Jar suggestion turned out to be. You might find you end up laughing and joking the evening away. Make sure when you are stocking the Date Jar initially that you add things you both like to do.

Maybe, if you're lucky, one of the suggestions might be "Go back to Sex Date Night" and you will have to both take off your coats and stay home.

Dr. Tammy Nelson is a sex and relationship expert and the author of Getting the Sex You Want; Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together. She can be found at www.drtammynelson.com.

Heidi Klum And Seal: Trauma Or Neglect?

Read this article in my blog at the Huffington Post:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tammy-nelson-phd/heidi-klum-and-seal-traum_b_1251291.html

After seven years of marriage and three children together (not including one from a previous relationship of Klum's), Heidi Klum and Seal are divorcing and going their separate ways. Although the split is "amicable," rumor has it that their seemingly perfect marriage had ripples of trouble underneath the surface. Reports suggest that Seal had some anger issues, and Heidi reportedly could no longer tolerate his behavior around the kids.

We don't really know what happened in their marriage, and they deserve their privacy as they work through their separation. But we can surmise that one of two things happened: Their relationship fell apart because of trauma or neglect.

Many marriages suffer from neglect, particularly for couples in long term partnerships or for high-profile couples like Heidi and Seal who both have successful careers and busy lives. Being pulled in many directions can force partners to forget that the relationship needs as much, if not more, attention than their careers. Ambition can trump a marriage, not because they don't care for each other, but because they may assume that the marriage will take care of itself. As many Hollywood couples have discovered before them, it does not.

A relationship can also end because of trauma. Traumas may occur when someone has an affair, becomes ill, or when there is a death in the family. These big life changing events create such stress that couples may not survive the impact and divorce, rather than coming together to work through the difficulties. However, traumas are not only caused by big stressors. Chronic anger and arguments can be traumatic as well. The cycle of angry outburst followed by remorse and cautious forgiveness that is repeated over and over can feel abusive and exhausting in a marriage. Patience can be worn thin when one partner is being yelled at constantly. That partner may be working hard to keep their children safe and free from that type of debilitating stress and at some point, he or she may leave the marriage to protect the children from the anger cycles.

Sometimes all it takes is one really bad argument. Things said in the heat of anger can create a traumatic event in the lives of a family. Words shouted in hurt can sometimes never be taken back. That type of trauma can be difficult to get over. For couples who don't have the skills to express their frustration, things said carelessly in an argument can wound a partner deeply. In the morning after, remorse and "I'm sorry" can mean very little when feelings have been hurt, or worse, someone has been physically hurt.

We don't know what happened to Heidi and Seal, and we may never know. But it may be that Seal said things he can't take back and that Heidi decided, once and for all, "you're out."

Tammy Nelson, PhD is a sex and relationship expert and the author of Getting the Sex You Want and the upcoming The New Monogamy. Find out more at drtammynelson.com

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tammy-nelson-phd/heidi-klum-and-seal-traum_b_1251291.html

Nagging; Is it Killing Your Marriage?

 Recently in the Wall Street Journal, Elizabeth Bernstein wrote an interesting piece about relationships. Her article talked about what really happens in the day-to-day life of a married typical couple and the frustrations that lead to what we commonly call "nagging. Titled, "Meet the Marriage Killer," her report suggested that both partners in a relationship get tired of the vicious cycle of asking for what they want, being ignored and getting angry and having to ask again. Nagging more doesn't help and withdrawing from each other makes the situation worse. Being told what to do makes both partners then feel like children. Funny, I just had a session today with a couple who were complaining about the same thing. I have been a couples therapist for many years, and I see many of them complain every day in my office about what they describe as nagging behaviors that are killing the love they once felt for each other.

For the complete article go the the Huffington Post

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tammy-nelson-phd/nagging-is-it-killing-you_b_1245574.html

How Can You Rebuild Trust When Your Partner Cheats?

This article by Tammy Nelson, PhD was featured at PsychCentral.com

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/01/14/how-can-you-rebuild-trust-when-your-partner-cheats/

Can you really ever trust someone again after they’ve cheated on you?

Marilyn said, “He says he doesn’t talk to her anymore. I want to believe him. 

“But I am so suspicious all the time. I hate that about myself. Maybe I should just end it. It hurts to not trust him and he is sick of me asking him all the time if he’s seen her.”

Trusting someone isn’t easy after they’ve betrayed you. You want to believe what they say, but can you really ever know if they are telling the truth, once they have lied to you? The answer may be “Probably not.”

But the good news is: there is a way you can learn to trust again. Just not in the way you think.

Trust is not about wishing and hoping that your partner wont cheat or wont talk to their ex. Trust is about learning to once again trust your own intuition. You probably started to doubt your inner voice once you found out that they lied to you or hid their affair. Now, you are wondering if you can really ever trust your gut instinct about anything again.

Trust is about learning to listen to your own intuition once again. Trust is not about learning to trust your partner. The truth is that they are human and another human can always let you down. Let’s face it, you never really know if anyone is telling you the truth, unless you feel it in your gut.

Only your own intuition tells you the truth. Learning to trust your own instincts is the only and most important way to know if your partner is cheating or being honest about their outside relationships. In order to be in a relationship and always feel safe, you have to learn to trust your inner voice. Your intuition will never lie to you. Once you learn to listen to it, you can always trust your inner voice.

The challenge is learning the difference between your intuitive voice and the sometimes louder voice of fear. Fear and intuition are two different things. Fear tells you what you don’t want to know. Intuition tells you the truth. Intuition is real and always authentic. Your fear can be real sometimes but often, it can be a fantasy or an illusion.

Trust your inner voice and you can learn to get past the affair, and always know if your partner is telling you the truth. Marilyn can trust her intuition about one thing for sure, ”I know that my boyfriend is telling me the truth when he looks me in the eye and tells me he only wants to be with me. I trust my feelings are telling me the truth about that!”

Have confidence in that inner voice. Trust is an inside job

To read the entire article go to http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/01/14/how-can-you-rebuild-trust-when-your-partner-cheats/