"I had an affair once.  We were very young and our marriage had just started to tank.  He didnt want to have sex with me because we had just had our son and he said he coudnt see me as a sexual person anymore.  He was in the delivery room with me and I guess he was kind of freaked out.  But I think it was more about him being tired, stressed, and feeling like he was at the bottom of the list of my priorities.  Well, guess what?  I felt left out too.  Here I was a new mom, and he wasnt even touching me.  Then I met 'Bob' and he made me feel sexy and alive again.  Bob and I met for a few months and I got my mojo back.  I felt sexy and young and like someone wanted me.  I didnt leave my husband.  I survived it.  And my husband started looking at me differently.  I would get dressed at night, put makeup on and look at myself in the mirror and think 'I am HOT' no matter what he thinks' and I think he sort of started seeing me that way again.  I think my affair saved my marriage. When my husband started to want to have sex again, I ended it with Bob.  I am still grateful to Bob for what happened with us.  I will be forever.  And I dont think it was wrong, because it enable me to stay married to my husband, who I love.  I will never tell him.  Because he could never forgive me.  But in my heart I know it was forgiveable.  What do you think, Dr Nelson?"

Affairs outside of marriage are nothing new, but this take on monogamy is.

Facing Reality, The New Monogamy

http://www.alternet.org/vision/147468/facing_reality%2C_the_%22new_monogamy%22_is_keeping_relationships_together

Affairs outside of marriage are nothing new, but this take on monogamy is.

My article has been on Alternet.org for several weeks now - so far lots of comments - here and in the Washington Post, and CNN.  Monogamy is a hot topic!

For all of you who are confused about what I am writing about --I am NOT saying that marriage SHOULD change - I am saying that it IS changing....!!!

Read the article in its original at www.psychotherapynetworker.org

or contact me Dr Tammy Nelson with comments - or leave them here.

"So how do I avoid cheating on my husband?  I love him, but I'm bored.  And there's this guy at work.  Well, he's not anyone I would leave my husband for. I mean we have kids, a house.  I love my husband, I do.  But this guy at work is hot, and he thinks I am hot too.  He thinks I am more than a mom, and more than just someone who cooks dinner and drives the kids around.  He makes me feel sexy.  Its getting harder and harder to resist."

Dear Reader:

One way to avoid an affair is not to do it.  Many times affairs happen because the opportunity is there to make it happen.  The easier it is, the more we flirt with the idea, the more likely you will "fall" in bed with the guy and then say things like "I dont know how this happened!" 

If you honestly want to avoid infidelity, talk to your husband.  TELL him you are about to cheat.  Tell him you are feeling unsexy, mom-like, and unappreciated.  Tell him that you met someone who makes you feel all these things, and you are scared.  Its better to have that talk now, before you sleep together, then after you sleep together. 

If at that time you both decide that you should go ahead, sleep with him, then you might be able to  survive it.  you might decide as a couple to open your marriage to outside sexual partners.  Or once you decide together to have an open marriage, you might find yourself changing your mind, and decide NOT to do it.  You might be so excited by your husband's open mind that its not longer necessary to act it out.  On the other hand, that idea of openness might be so upsetting that you need to have another talk about the state of your monogamy. 

OR you both may decide that the monogamy agreement between you is clear for both of you.  NO outside partners, no matter what.  And that may make sense to both of you.  And you might want to put all of your energies into the relationship for a finite period of time.  Find a therapist.  Set up a sex date, once a week - where you focus all of your attention on each other.  Go on dates without the kids.  Go away for a weekend.  See what happens.

And re-evaluate.  Check in with each other.  How are we doing now??  You can never ask that question too ofen - it can be a sign that you are feeling insecure about things or that you simply need reassurance.

If you really want to avoid sex with someone besides your partner, you need something else to focus on, and something else in your life that will help you feel good about yourself.  Find a way to grow as an individual.  Join a gym, take a class, get a hobby.  Sounds cliche, but you need to work on your own developmental growth, emotionally, intellectually, psychologically, and sexuallly.

Good luck working with this tough issue, and write more to let us know how its going, at tammy@tammynelson.org

Warmly,

Dr Tammy Nelson

by Tammy Nelson

How Far Should We Go?

If there's anything fundamental to the meaning of marriage in Western society, it's monogamy. In fact, monogamy may be the only thing that remains essential to most people's idea of marriage. People no longer marry for economic, dynastic, or procreative reasons, as they did for millennia; they can't be compelled to marry by law, religion, or custom; they don't need to marry to have sex or cohabit or even produce and raise children. But throughout all of this staggering change, the requirement and expectation of monogamy as the emotional glue that keeps the whole structure of marriage from collapsing under its own weight has remained constant.

Given the almost universal public denunciation and disapproval of infidelity (which doesn't exclude the barely hidden schadenfreude at the deliciously scandalous goings-on of celebrities, famous preachers, major political figures, sports heroes, or even your office coworker caught in flagrante), you'd think that infidelity must be quite rare. At least nice people don't do it—we wouldn't do it.

Except that we would and we do—much more than most people seem to realize. As a culture committed, in theory, to monogamy, our actions tell a different story. It isn't just that, as therapists, we need to understand that infidelity happens—we all know that already. What some of us may not realize is how often it happens. Research varies, but according to some surveys, such as those reported by Joan Atwood and Limor Schwartz in the 2002 Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 55 percent of married women and 65 percent of married men report being unfaithful at some point in their marriage. Up to one-half of married women have at least one lover after they're married and before the age of 40.

To read more of this article, go to Psychotherapy Networker -

http://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/currentissue/926-the-new-monogamy

or write directly to me, Dr Tammy Nelson at tammy@tammynelson.org

There are three identifiable stages that all couples go through after someone has cheated - and you cant avoid them if you want to stay together and work on your relationship - even if you decide to leave at some point later on. 

The first phase is the CRISIS Phase - in this phase the person learning about the affair might be in shock, but they're not the only one.  Everyone is in crisis.  Even the person having the affair who has disclosed the infidelity or gotten caught is shaken.  The whole system is destabilized. 

In this phase you shouldnt make any decisions about staying or going.  Wait till everything calms down.  Notice if everyone feels safe - if not, what do you need to do to establish that safety for yourself? 

And is your family safe?  Are there problems with alcohol, drugs, or rage?  First stabilize the system.  Get some help, some counseling.  Use professional advice, and put any long term decisions on the shelf for at least a few weeks.

Your closest friends might tell you to leave, to get out, to tell your partner its over.  Dont trust everything that your family and friends tell you to do - they might have your best interest in mind - thank them for that, but remind them that you arent going to make any decisions quite yet.  Right now you just need their love and support while both of you (or all of you) get some clarity on what happened.  That will happen more easily in the next phase.

Watch for the next blog entry by Dr Tammy Nelson, when she will talk about Phase 2 of Recovery from Affairs.

for more info write her at tammy@tammynelson.org TODAY

She sat in my office, looking crestfallen. 

Her husband had an affair, and she was devastated, she said.

He saw her for a year, apparently, and they slept together once a week.

I dont know if I can forgive him, she sighed.

Can therapy help?

Watch for Part 2....coming soon.

Dr Tammy Nelson

Aside from all the intellectual stimulation and the great connections I made, I had an outstanding experience in the room itself.  A smaller conference room than others I have spoken in, I laughed when I saw the 14 chairs the conference organizers had set up, when I first walked into the room.

"Oh, we're going to need more chairs then that!"  I laughed. 

He looked at me like I was SUCH a braggart. 

"Really?" he snickered.  He brought 10 more chairs.

"No, really," I said.  "A lot more chairs."  He ignored me.  He told me to take a picture of this so-called crowd I expected. 

"Look," I said, "Its a popular topic, affairs."  And, "I'm a pretty good speaker, too." 

He really laughed at that one.  I told him to come back half an hour into my talk, and to bring his own camera.

Forty minutes later he stood outside the door, with a line out into the hall.  Therapists were crammed into the corners, sitting on the floor up to my feet, at the bottom of the power point screen.  They were jammed against the wall, and standing in a row five deep in the back of the room. 

And it was hot in that room.

"So?" I gestured to him, as I made eye contact with him in the back of the room.  I noticed he wiped some sweat off his brow.  There were still people trying to get into the room.  I probably had over 120 by then. 

Then the crowd noticed that the wall in between the room we were in and the room behind us was actually a collapsable wall.  One that slides open in pieces.  And the room behind us was empty. And it had chairs.

The conference organizer, in his black shirt with the microphone pinned to his lapel, and sweat dripping down his back, began to beg them to stop, as they shoved the panels aside, trying to open the room to make it large enough to hold the incoming crowd. 

"The fire marshall...." he gulped.  I almost felt sorry for him.

Half an hour later, with rows of chairs stretched into the conference room next door, and everyone finally in a comfortable seat, I talked about Infidelity.  And they listened.  And no one got up and left.  I was not surprised.

Every day in the news and in our offices we are struck by couple after couple breaking up over a third party entering their marriage, or the visits of a partner to a paid sex worker.

What are we, the therapists, supposed to do to help?  And can we?

You'll have to come to my next talk to find out.  Or buy my next book. 

I'm hoping the next talk is a sell out crowd as well. 

I saw Joe later that day, my conference organizer friend.

"So I wasnt bragging, was I, Joe?" I asked. 

"Hey, its not bragging if you're telling the truth," he said humbly, and gave me a knuckle bump. 

I have the feeling that next  time they'll bring enough chairs.

Dr Tammy Nelson

www.drtammynelson.org

Look for my next book, The New Monogamy; Erotic Recovery After Infidelity -- as soon as I find a really good publisher....

• (SOURCE:  www.Lemondrop.com June 6, 2010)

Lemondrop said,  "When it comes to infidelity, usually there's one thing everybody can agree on: It's the other woman's fault.

But the case of Eliot Spitzer, the former governor of New York busted for stepping out on his wife of 33 years with prostitute Ashley Dupre, is turning out to be one bizarre love triangle.

After his sordid affair was revealed, Spitzer, now better known as "Client 9," decided to lay low, apparently biding his time before a triumphant return to politics. Dupre milked her infamy and was born again as a sex-advice columnist.

This is what I heard from a woman who came to me visibly shaken by her partner's infidelity, after 20 years of solid marriage.  She couldnt believe that he had cheated, they had four kids, a healthy salary between them, a nice house, and a very satisfying and energetic sex life.

"I never turned him down for sex, I kept my body tight and in shape - what else did he want from me? And now that he cheated, I dont want to leave him.  I love him still, and I want to stay.  But I cant get over it.  He said he's sorry.  He wants to stay too.  Is it possible, really?"

I understand her confusion. And since she just found out, she shouldnt make any decisions yet.  In the first few months after finding out about an affair, you are not really prepared to decide whether or not you want to stay.  Give it some time.  Go to therapy.  Wait until you want to sleep together again.  Then you will have a clearer idea of what will happen going forward.

For now, take care of yourself. Trust your judgment.  Dont lie to yourself or to him.  Be gentle with yourself.  And promise to be transparent with each other.   And finally, if you feel like having sex with your husband, go fo it.

Thats one thing that no one talks about after an affair. Sex with the person who cheated on you.  Its normal, and fine.  And can be very healthy for both of you.  And if you dont want to have sex with him yet, or ever, thats ok too.  But talk to me in about a month, and we will discuss the next phase of your erotic recovery.

Meanwhile, take good care.

Dr Tammy Nelson