Getting the Sex you Want

New research show sexting is good for your relationship

In the media we often hear horror stories of celebrities’ or politician’s nude photos or sexy text conversations being leaked to the public. We’ve even seen “normal” people with regular lives lose their lobs over explicit digital communication.

But is it really so terrible to rev up sexual desire with a little sexting? Researchers at Drexel University weren’t so convinced and set out to find out what the risks and benefits of texting are for adults.

It turns out, there’s far more benefits for relationships and libidos than there are risks. “According to the study, the more you sext, the better your sex life and the more satisfied you are in your relationship.” (Alexia Lafata, What Are You Wearing? Science Wants You To Sext Your Damn Heart Out)

For the singles, sexting only led to low sexual satisfaction. The higher the commitment levels in the relationship, the greater the relationship satisfaction as a result of sexting.   And, if sexting was more carefree and an expected part of the relationship, it enhanced the fun. Read more of my thoughts on the topic in my latest article for YourTango: Sexting Could Be Good For Your Relationship.

Lori Liebovich, host of The Labor of Love podcast, invited me to participate in a conversation with other experts about the pros and cons of sexting and how it can fit into a healthy relationship. The podcast episode is available online here.

Next time you are in bed together with each of you on your separate telephones, send them a sexy text.  Ask them what they are wearing. Tell them what you have on, even if you have to exaggerate a little.  Use the phone to heat up your sex life, instead of making it the one thing that creates a wedge between you.

Last Call: Savings on Great Sex this Summer!

With summer coming to a close, children returning to school, and the temperatures beginning to drop, it’s a great time to create more heat in the bedroom with a more passionate and erotic sex life. We are still offering the following three teleclasses on Getting the Sex You Want at a 50% discount! Purchase all three classes together and save $222 on the total purchase price.

Getting the Sex You Want with Dr. Tammy Nelson (for Couples & Therapists), a 3-part teleclass with Dr. Tammy Nelson, *3 AASECT or IMAGO CEUs*
Teleclass Overview: Do you crave a more fulfilling sex life? Do you wish for a more intimate and emotionally rewarding relationship? Join one of the top experts in the field of love and eroticism for an open discussion on the keys to creating and sustaining passion in a long-term love affair with a partner and with yourself.

A Beginner’s Guide to Sharing Fantasies: How to Talk Dirty in Bed, a 90-minute teleclass with Dr. Tammy Nelson
Teleclass Overview: Do you want to create a more connected, more vital and erotic sex life? Even if you’ve been too afraid to share your fantasies, or if you have tried in the past and failed, this course will teach you to communicate your fantasies and desires.  Learn how to turn up the heat in your sex life and get it just right. Talking dirty can be hot and it can connect you in bed. But sometimes it can be hard to say out loud what you are really thinking.  Learn how to be honest, and whisper, shout, growl and reveal your most erotic longings.  Talking sexy will turn you on, turn your partner on and bring you to your most intimate moments together. Afraid?  What’s too much? How do you use the words you may never have said before?

Women & Sex: Women’s Sexual Questions & Confessions, a 2-hour teleclass with Dr. Tammy Nelson, *2 AASECT or IMAGO CEs*
Teleclass Overview: Do you wonder how to have a more intense or passionate sex life? Do you want a deeper emotional connection and at the same time reach great heights in bed? Do you want to communicate your inner fantasies? Most women have questions. This course will answer real questions from real women about sex.

What Women In Sexless Marriages Need To Know

Are you in a sexless marriage? The first thing you need to know is you’re not alone. The marriage complaint most often searched on Google is sexless marriage. HuffingtonPost reached out to marriage therapists and sex experts seeking advice for women stuck in sexually unsatisfying marriages. My advice: “it may not be you, so stop beating yourself up… Many times men stop initiating sex because they are stressed or they’re experiencing some kind of erectile dysfunction and they’re too afraid to tell you. Men define their sexuality by their ability to perform and if they cannot achieve an erection upon demand they may withdraw. Keep being affectionate and let him know there is no pressure to get to the ‘finish line.’… Don’t wait for him to take charge. It is OK as the woman to be the driving force of your own sex life.”
Additionally it may be time to get your husband in to see the doctor. If he has erectile dysfunction, he may have prostate issues and it’s important to get that checked out right away. When you have ruled out cancer, checked his testosterone, and reduced his stress levels, then you can look deeper into your relationship.

Check out HuffingtonPost’s article for the full list of Six Things Experts Tell Women In Sexless Marriages.

Amy Schumer on being an unapologetic woman

One of my favorite new comedians, Amy Schumer, is one of the most popular comedians out there right now. The writer of Trainwreck, the movie, has a lot to say about self-love, positive body image and loving her shape, having ambition and ignoring her haters. She also reminds me of myself fifteen years ago. Some of my friends ask if we are possibly related? She is changing the narrative about women’s sexuality today and her forthright style is funny, shocking to some, and real. Here are some of her best quotes.


“I will speak and share and f— and love, and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it.”

“I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say.”

“Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I’ve never woken up and been like, ‘What is this Pilates mat doing out?'”


“It’s work having a vagina. Guys don’t think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.”

“I get labelled a sex comic. But if a guy got up onstage and pulled his dick out, everybody would say, ‘He’s a thinker.’”

New Book for clinicians: Sex Made Simple by Barry McCarthy

I love to support friends and colleagues who are leaders in changing how we talk about sex within couples therapy. Barry McCarthy is doing just that with his newest book specially for clinicians dealing with sexual problems and sex therapy, Sex Made Simple: Clinical Strategies For Sexual Issues in Therapy. If you’re ready to integrate sex therapy into your Marriage and Family Therapy practice, start here and save 20% off Amazon’s price with this order form:
Sex Made Simple_ORDER NOW_Form2Sex Made Simple_ORDER NOW_Form2

In The New York Times: Let’s Talk About Your Sex

I’m in The New York Times!

First, in Fashion & Style online: online: First Comes Sex Talk With These Renegades of Couples Therapy by Amy Sohn.

Journalist Sohn delves deep into the changing landscape of sex therapy, couples therapy, and the relationship between the two. Sohn quotes the cutting edge “renegades of couples therapy.” Read about my work along with my friends and colleagues, Esther Perel, Marty Klein, Suzanne Iasenza and Margie Nichols.

And then printed above the fold on the front page of Sunday Styles: Let’s Talk About Your Sex – The same article, but in paper print.

Tammy in the New York Times - July 2015

My thoughts on Relationships, on The Academy of Miracles podcast

I’m honored to share with you that I’m this week’s featured guest on Elloa Atkinson’s podcast, The Academy of Miracles! Elloa and I enjoyed a deeply personal conversation about relationships. Starting today, you can listen to the podcast through Elloa’s website: or through iTunes.

A great relationship has great sex

If you want great sex, you have to have a great relationship. In a recent panel discussion I hosted for YourTango, Harville Hendrix, author of Getting The Love You Want, had some great advice for couples wanting to spice up their relationship.

One thing we know that does not make for a great relationship is anxiety. If you and your partner are into negativity and putting each other down, you might have sex but it’s not going to be great sex. It will be a compensation for the missing intimacy. The relationship has to be safe, because only when you’re safe can you drop your defenses. Only when you drop your defenses do you have access to your body and to the chemistry that comes with safety.

To re-inspire the passion in your relationship, get all of the negativity out, make it safe, and then spice it up with some creativity.

Watch the video on YourTango for more advice on how to stay connected, intimate, and having fun through all the stages of your relationship.

New condom design includes female pleasure

I’m really excited to hear about innovation in the world of condom design: a built in vibrator to provide pleasure for women. Yes, we’ve seen the development of the female condom, and classic condoms with bumps, ridges, and chemicals all designed to improve the experience for woman. But never before have we seen a condom that takes into consideration that many women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm.

The new condom, called the VA w.o.w. condom feminine from IXü, may change the game of contraception and sex for pleasure forever.

Fulfill your fantasies with these tips

Even though you love your husband and want to to be intimate with him, something just isn’t working. You’ve both come to the realization that your sex life is pretty lackluster, in spite of how hard you try.

You don’t share the same sexual likes and dislikes and can’t seem to get on the same page. Instead, this soon becomes a laborious ordeal to maintain the sexual intimacy, and the original fairytale love begins to fizz out.

Many partners find communicating about turn-ons and offs and sex in general difficult. But everyone is forgetting that you can’t read each other’s minds!

I hosted a dialog with fellow YourTango experts, Imago Institute’s Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Tony Victor LCPC, Sue Butler LMFT and Certified Sex Therapist Kimberly Anderson about how partners can get on the same page with your fantasies. We all agree that if there is a will, there is a way! We shared some tips for how couples can work together to recreate their fairytale romance.

Watch on 2 Ways To Get On The Same Page With Your Man About Your Fantasies